Day 10 (somewhere in week 2)

Holy shit I haven't blogged in 3 days. Bad, Bad.

So first the check in. my check ins will be longer today cuz I'm just gonna post right in the fuckers.

M = distracted and pissed about it. I was sharp and then today I got this totally random call from an ex ex ex ex ex girlfriend's new ex boyfriend/baby's daddy, now apparently new boyfriend or some stupid shit. Anyway after a very strange first minute or two until I figured out who he was and who this chic was that he was threatening to kill me if I went near, I quickly decided that I best not say what I was thinking since I was actually in the shop putting up drywall with my father. although looking back on it, I shouldn't have bothered to censor myself and just let it rip. I know the guy is a moron and clearly not a threat, he doesn't even have a clue where I am, which he admitted. Funnier still is I don't even have a clue where Tish is. So he's barking these idol threats at me to stay away from her and I haven't seen her in years.

But as funny as I think this poor fuck is, my inner napoleon is screaming to let me let him out. He's kinda rambunctious since he hasn't been let out in a while and I guess he just wanted to let loose on this 45 year old ghetto wannabe Ganster. So distracted, yes. because in every peaceful moment since that call, my brain kicks into conversational scenarios where I get to respond, which is retarded since I can't really let it out. I tried calling back when I got to my car in private, but of course, no answer. So now, I have no idea why, but its like my psyche wants to just let lose on the dude. which honestly , I know, is... well would be wasted breathe if I hoped to actually make any progress with him as far as understanding, or communication, but I don't. I just want to belittle the stupid fuck so he thinks about it for at least a week. I know that's not very "Zen" of me. I guess it was an interesting mirror today of how quickly I could be tweaked even in the midst of all my beautiful balance. It reminds me of a conversation I had with an art teacher in college when he was telling us how closely we all walk to the line of sanity. He looked at all of us and said, "next time you see and look down on that person pushing the shopping cart arguing with the air, just remember, you are one conversation... one circumstance.. one thin line away from pushing that cart. " that may be true, but I still don't feel bad for the bum that I fed and clothed and thne the fuck ended up breaking into my house and stealing my car. he was just another crack rock away from sanity.

(yeah that was only mental. you might as well stop reading now, or take this opportunity to go pee)

E = Happy, actually, (aside from that little turmoil) I'm still actually pretty damn happy. I feel love & loved. in such a way that not even a stupid obnoxious NY wanna be gansta can interfere with my happy state.

P = strong. I can't wait to work out each day, I can't wait for the racquetball games, I can't wait for the next bike ride. the next snowboard run. How lucky I am to be so physically active when at one point I wasn't supposed to walk again. Someone asked me once why I opt to take the stairs so much when there are elevators. I responded with, "because I CAN" - im not sure how long these legs are gonna hold up on me, but I intend to get every last step/pedal/kick/jump out of them that I can. Then Im gonna need to get one of those downhill mountain bike wheel chair things.

S = I've definitely honed in on the right planet now. I'm orbiting around enlightenment. I don't necessarily feel like I'm 100% connected, although I know I am, I can't be any other way, I am connection, it sometimes feels like the sheet of separation is pulled over me in the room of connection. Im still in the room, I just can't see past my blinder sheet. But Im walking around in that room, and I can feel the walls, I am aware of the room. I just haven't completely remembered how to pull the sheet off.

Mediations are going mediocre. I was really flying the other day when the ex wife popped in the head out of the blue and even hearing and releasing I just couldn't move past it, so I got up and just went about my day which of course did help get it out of my head. I suspect tomorrow I might have another voice.. maybe my shitty memory will actually benefit me this time and I'll forget I even got that call. ha ha man, that'd be nice.